Rattlers (1976)

Directed by John McCauley [Other horror films: Deadly Intruder (1985)]

Certainly a movie with potential, Rattlers was an okay entry into the mid-1970’s. The finale is pretty sudden, and the overall story seems sort of lackluster, but I didn’t exactly have a terrible time watching it.

I do think it’s fair to say that, compared to other animals-gone-mad films from the 1970’s, that Rattlers is on the lower end. Sure, it’s better than The Food of the Gods and possibly more entertaining than Grizzly (though not a better film overall), but there are plenty of more enjoyable films, such as The Swarm, Phase IV, Squirm, Piranha, The Pack, Nightwing, Jaws 2, Stanley, Kingdom of the Spiders, Orca, Prophecy, Tentacles, hell, even Night of the Lepus.

My point is that though I don’t think Rattlers is awful, it’s certainly not a stand-out movie. The finale seems to pop up so suddenly, and I personally found it widely unsatisfactory, which isn’t helped any by the lack of good snake action in the last half hour.

In fact, many of the later snake attacks seem so weak. One of them happened in a mine, which might sound good, but it wasn’t executed very well. Another had two characters in a tent surrounded by snakes, but that didn’t even feel that action-packed either. I think there were some good snake attacks – a plumber getting bit while under a house, and a woman attacked in a bathtub as snakes slither through the pipes – but you can’t really tell that from the final half hour.

One thing I was mildly amused by was the small point of Elisabeth Chauvet’s being a woman photographer, which upset the patriarchy, in the form of lead Sam Chew Jr.. Chauvet’s character made good points about how there weren’t women holding high positions, and Chew Jr.’s character just waved the explanations off. This point is muddled by the fact that, of course, the two of them fall in love and engage in carnal activities and have an out-of-place date that lasts a minute in Las Vegas, but hey, it’s the 70’s, who needs equality, right?

There’s also a portion which deals with the mystery behind why the snakes here are so aggressive, which, of course, is all the fault of the Commies. See, Communists had a better political system than capitalists did, and the USA (capitalism’s #1 defender) lied about the Gulf of Tonkin to get young American boys killed in Vietnam. Naturally, biowarfare is the only way to defeat a better economic system, and so due to the Communists, the American military created deadly snakes.

Damn those Commies.

Actually, it’s somewhat amusing, because this same idea was also used in Piranha, which came out a couple of years later. In both, the military is so intent on killing innocent people in Vietnam that they wind up killing innocent people in the USA, but then again, that’s how the military do.

As a socialist, it’s always nice to see solid political messages come up (which is one of the reasons that Prophecy, from ‘79, is a personal favorite). It doesn’t play a huge part here, though it does lead into what truly is a weak finale.

Sam Chew Jr. (Time Walker) makes for an okay lead. Honestly, he never really came across as having that much in the way of character, but he had a good look to him. Elisabeth Chauvet was okay, but she never really added that much to the story, and was pretty forgotten by the end. Lastly, Dan Priest was, I guess, okay. I mean, he seemed pretty ridiculous toward the end, but I’m guessing his character had an off-screen mental breakdown, so it’s all cool.

The more I consider Rattlers, the weaker I think it is. For the first hour or so, it honestly wasn’t a bad time, but the last twenty minutes really dropped the ball. It’s definitely a below-average film, and though I maintain it’s still not terrible, I can’t blame others who tend to think it is.

5.5/10

Let’s Scare Jessica to Death (1971)

Directed by John D. Hancock [Other horror films: N/A]

Though I’ve seen this cult classic before, it’s been quite some time, and truth be told, I didn’t recollect too much of it before going in. Let’s Scare Jessica to Death isn’t an easy movie to describe, and I’m not even sure if it’s fair to say I enjoy it, but I do think it’s a special little movie that may well be worth seeing.

In many way, this movie really feels like a product of it’s time. It reminds me a bit of both Warlock Moon and Welcome to Arrow Beach, in that is just possesses the sensibilities of the early 1970’s. Now, true, I wasn’t born until 1993, so it’s quite possible I know little about the sensibilities of the early 70’s, but even so, this movie has it.

Honestly, though, this isn’t an easy film for me to write about. The story sort of feels free-form in some ways – the finale doesn’t explain much of what’s been going on – but in this case, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. In fact, I think it adds to the dreamy atmosphere of this one, and at times, I’m reminded a bit of Phantasm.

With that said, though, it’s more than that. This movie feels comforting, calming, relaxing. There are tense moments and uneasy scenes toward the finale, no doubt, but the overall aura of this one is almost soothing. Part of it has to do with the 70’s atmosphere of the film, some of it has to do with the way they approached the story, and some of it has to do with the soft, peaceful music that plays throughout; whatever combination of parts that makes this work, though, I just know it does, and I’ve rarely described a horror film as ‘peaceful,’ but I certainly am now.

And on that note, I’d argue it’s more the atmosphere and feeling of Let’s Scare Jessica to Death that causes it to stand out, as opposed to the story. The story is decently haunting at times (a few moments bring to mind Ghost Story), but it’s also true that it almost feels aimless, and it’s certainly slow. It doesn’t harm the film any, because it just adds to what ends up a rather soothing, captivating movie, but it is slow, and I sort of doubt those who are really into modern horror would fully understand the charm of this one.

In fact, I don’t fully understand the charm of this one. I just know I was engaged throughout the movie, and it had little to do with the performances, which I found somewhat average, or the story, which is never fully expanded on, or the first-person narration style the film’s presented in.

Zohra Lampert’s performance was okay. To be honest, it felt a bit shaky at times, but I think that has more to do with the fact I didn’t really get these characters rather than Lampert’s performance itself. Oh, and the fact her character was recently released from a psychiatric hospital may too play a part. Honestly, none of the other performances, be it Mariclare Costello, Barton Heyman, or Kevin O’Connor, did a lot for me, but again, I think it’s more the characters than anything else.

Another aspect that shouldn’t go overlooked is how Lampert’s character was dealing with some undefined mental illness, a fact that she thought about quite a lot during her narration. It’s possible that much of what we see and experience in the film isn’t actually what’s going on, and certainly her reaction at times does lend some potential credence to that idea, but it’s an ambiguous film, so if you’re expecting a clear-cut answer, you may want to look elsewhere.

This may be easy to tell, but this movie just sort of hits different. It’s vibe is something that I’ve rarely seen, and though I can’t say that I necessarily enjoyed the movie, I can say that it’s calming, soothing atmosphere was quite a balm in these trying days. Oh, and we got a little bit of blood toward the end, which was nice too.

Let’s Scare Jessica to Death isn’t an easy movie for me to write about, which may well be evidenced in my ramblings above. Like I said, I’ve seen it before, but it’s been a long while, so much of it felt new, and I definitely didn’t remember how unique the film felt. It’s not a movie that will work for everyone – aside from the story, it can be a bit slow and perhaps muddled – but I’ve not seen many movies that felt like this one, so that has to mean something.

7.5/10

Picture Mommy Dead (1966)

Directed by Bert I. Gordon [Other horror films: Beginning of the End (1957), The Cyclops (1957), Attack of the Puppet People (1958), Earth vs the Spider (1958), War of the Colossal Beast (1958), Tormented (1960), Necromancy (1972), The Food of the Gods (1976), Empire of the Ants (1977), Burned at the Stake (1982), Satan’s Princess (1989), Secrets of a Psychopath (2015)]

I have a bit of a mixed-to-negative record with Bert Gordon’s movies – I enjoy Earth vs the Spider well enough, but some of his other films, such as The Food of the Gods, Tormented, and Attack of the Puppet People, have failed to leave much of an impression on me.

Though I’m loath to say it, given the promise this movie held, I think the same fate befalls Picture Mommy Dead.

And it is a shame, because the story here is pretty close to those old dark house horror movies I enjoy so much, such as The Cat and the Canary, The Bat, and The Monster Walks. The only difference here is that, instead of a young woman forced to deal with multiple characters due to the reading of a will, we have a teenage girl. Otherwise, it’s pretty similar to plenty of previous films of the genre, which in part may explain how this feels somewhat been-there, done-that.

It’s not a bad movie, though; I think it’s worst sin is that it’s just somewhat uninspired. Don’t get me wrong, films like Lo spettro, The Screaming Skull, Dominique, etc., all have their charm, but the idea of someone being driven insane to further the financial causes of another is nothing new. It’s often a decent watch, but it’s not new.

Things are shaken up a bit here, though, in regards to the mysterious death of a woman three years before the bulk of the movie. There are multiple suspects, as usual, and plenty of reasonable solutions to the mystery. The one we got was decent, and it led to an interesting finale – I’m not sure if the ending is actually good, but it was somewhat striking (and almost reminiscence of Mark of the Vampire in some ways).

Susan Gordon (the daughter of Bert Gordon, the director) did pretty well in her role. She did succumb at times to hysteria, but then again, her character suffered a traumatic event and spent three years in a psychiatric asylum, so she can’t be blamed for that. In fact, I think she did well with the arrested development of her character. The performances of both Don Ameche and Martha Hyer were okay, but neither did much for me.

I did like Maxwell Reed (Daughter of Darkness) – his character wasn’t always easy to get a read on, but he was one of the more interesting cast members. I don’t know what Wendell Corey’s (Astro-Zombies) accent was, but his one-scene appearance was memorable. Zsa Zsa Gabor also makes an appearance, but given her character was unlikable as Hyer’s was, I can’t say it moved me.

Though I don’t think it made much an impact for this movie, Picture Mommy Dead is in color. There’s a scene or two with a bit of blood, but naturally, this isn’t a H.G. Lewis affair, so everything is pretty light. The movie’s more psychological in focus anyway, and it probably could have gotten away with being in black-and-white had it wanted to (as it is, the coloring seemed almost faded on the print I saw).

Honestly, there’s nothing terrible about the film. It feels like plenty of other movies I’ve seen, but it’s still generally an okay watch. That said, while there’s a few plot elements of interest, Picture Mommy Dead doesn’t really do anything special. It might be worth a watch or two, but it’s not the type of movie that I think would particularly stand out to too many people.

6/10

Carnival of Souls (1962)

Directed by Herk Harvey [Other horror films: N/A]

From a modern-day perspective, Carnival of Souls may seem a bit pedestrian, as the ending seems quite easy to predict. Truthfully, though I’ve seen this once or twice before, I don’t love it myself, though that has little to do with the finale. I don’t doubt Carnival of Souls is a classic, but certainly tastes may vary.

Oh, and this review will have spoilers in it.

I’m not sure exactly where my hang-ups with this one arise from. The atmosphere and suspense are top-notch, and in fact, it’s probably one of the most atmospheric movies of the 1960’s, an amazing feat given the lower budget nature of this film. The suspense needs no explanation – there are multiple scenes throughout that pack a punch, and all without scare chords, which is a nice change of pace compared to more modern-day movies.

Even so, I can’t say that I’m not occasionally bored during this. The story is engaging enough, especially the abandoned pavilion that Candace Hilligoss’ character has a sinister attraction to, but because Hilligoss’ character is sort of hard to relate to, she doesn’t always make the most interesting protagonist.

There’s also the question of what’s actually happening at some points during the movie. Given the finale, I don’t quite know what’s happening during some scenes, and it’s not easy to expand on without spoiling anything, so warning, HERE THERE BE SPOILERS:

At the end, it’s revealed that the main character died due to the automobile accident at the beginning of the film (which took place in Kansas), and everything after was her soul attempting to move on. In one of the final scenes, we see her body in a car being pulled from the water.

We also see a police officer, minister, and doctor examining the last place she was seen after moving to Utah. She didn’t move to Utah until after she died, so therein lies my confusion. If she died, her physical body still in the car that went underwater, then I’d think everything after wouldn’t be reality as those alive know it. But it seems that her spirit is actually a physical form that moved and interacted, however frigidly and ineffectively, with the people she met in Utah.

All of this could have been solved if they had just removed the scene in Utah, as then the only relevant, real-world scene would be the car, with her body, being dragged up in Kansas. But they do show that she was apparently in Utah, so she apparently has two physical bodies, which is one more than I have, so in a way, that’s impressive. Even if it’s a Limbo situation, I wouldn’t think that would have an impact on the actual reality others live in and perceive.

I know this is a classic, but this point doesn’t seem nit-picky to me; it just seems logical. It doesn’t mean that the movie isn’t atmosphere or possessing of an occasional uneasy, dreamlike quality. It’s just something that bothered me when I first saw this movie, and something that still bothers me today.

Otherwise, though Candace Hilligoss’ character isn’t easy to relate to, the film is decent. It feels like an extended episode of The Twilight Zone, and as I said, it does have some pretty creepy and suspenseful scenes throughout to keep your engagement going.

Though I didn’t understand Candace Hilligoss’ character, I do think she gave a pretty stellar performance, and not only that, but she was about the only cast member who truly mattered. Sidney Berger did well as a pushy, annoying guy, and both Art Ellison and Stan Levitt are calming voices in what otherwise is a howling storm, but when it comes down to it, Hilligoss’ performance pretty much stands far above anyone else’s.

Naturally, Carnival of Souls is a classic, and there’s good reason for that. It’s not a classic that I’ve ever loved, but I have good friends who do indeed see the movie as a masterpiece. It’s decent, but as far as personal enjoyment goes, I don’t even know if this is something I’d give an above-average score. Plenty of things work, but some story elements befuddle me, so while many others may give this one a higher rating, I have to go with what I truly feel, for better or worse.

7/10

The Ruins (2008)

Directed by Carter Smith [Other horror films: Swallowed (2022)]

It’s been some time since I’ve seen this film. If I had to guess, I’d say around ten years or so. I can’t remember if I’ve seen it once or twice, but I do remember enjoying it whenever it was I last saw it, and I can say that, after seeing it again with fresh eyes, that’s largely still true.

Based on a novel of the same title by Scott Smith (a novel I’ve not read, but am interested in possibly reading in the future), the idea is pretty simple – six unfortunate souls in Mexico decided to go to a ruin that’s not good for their health, largely out of their control. It’s a somewhat bleak film, as there’s very little within their control in the situation they find themselves in, and it’s done pretty well.

The cast is solid – the six performances really worth mentioning would be Jonathan Tucker, Shawn Ashmore, Jena Malone, Laura Ramsey, Joe Anderson, and Sergio Calderón. It’s true that Calderón doesn’t have a lot to do aside from look threatening, but he does it well. Ashmore (who I know as Bobby Drake from the X-Men films, but has also been in Mother’s Day, Devil’s Gate, Wolf Girl, The Day, and Solstice) is more likable than Tucker (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), but Tucker’s character is pretty good.

Jena Malone (Antebellum) reminded me of an actress on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t place her. Either way, Malone was pretty solid, and more stable than Laura Ramsey (Cruel World). I was hoping that Joe Anderson (The Crazies, Abattoir, The Reckoning) would have a bit more to do than he did, as I rather enjoyed his character, but it wasn’t to be.

The gore here can be pretty grisly. See, plants that grow around this ruin can get into your body if you have an open wound, and this happens to a couple of people. Not only does someone have their body cut in multiple places to pull out weeds, another individual has their legs cut off. That particular scene wasn’t too gory, but there’s a later one in which someone, under heavy mental stress, takes a knife to themselves in order to rid their body of the parasitic weeds, and that one can be trying.

It’s at this juncture that I should profess an odd love of plant-based horror. There’s not too many examples that come to mind, but those that do (including the somewhat awful Revenge of Doctor X) are films I have somewhat of an affinity for. I’ve always found malicious plant-life (or not even malicious – it’s just how they evolved) an interesting idea in horror. I have to imagine it comes from my love of Goosebumps as a child – Stay Out of the Basement, both the book and the two-part episode, are favorites of mine.

And on that note, I do wish we had some opportunity in this movie to learn more about these plants. Sure, the terror is in not knowing or understanding what exactly the characters are facing, but even so, it’d have been nice to have a biologist’s perspective, or even one of the Mayans who could perhaps manage some broken English.

Related, I understand where the Mayans are coming from, but wouldn’t it have been better to have a constant guard around the ruins as opposed to just trying to contain the problem after it was too late? Preventative measures, and all that.

I am aware that certainly they tried, but the problem is that the Mayans speak, well, Mayan, and can’t effectively communicate with people who don’t speak Mayan. If you’re trying to prevent people from going near this particular ruin, it might benefit them to at least learn Spanish, as many of those who approach the ruins could at least effectively be warned away.

Oh, and one last thing – did it never occur to any of the characters to possibly burn the plants? Sure, it might have been suicide, but I’d have definitely tried to light the plants on fire as opposed to starving to death with roots and weeds growing inside of me.

Despite those small issues, The Ruins is a well-made film. I don’t know what was changed from the novel, if anything, but it’s a high-budget film that’s somewhat dreary at times (and definitely could have done with an ending packing a bit more of a punch), plenty gory, and an overall enjoyable watch. It’s not stellar, but it is good.

7.5/10

Hostel: Part III (2011)

Directed by Scott Spiegel [Other horror films: Intruder (1989), From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999)]

Hostel has never been a film I considered amazing, but it’s a pretty solid film. Hostel: Part II is even better. It’s just a damn shame that Hostel: Part III is such shit.

My primary issue – actually, scratch that. I have more than one main issue, which is obviously problematic. Among them being the location switch, organization set-up, deaths, and ending.

In this film, they switched locations from Slovakia to Las Vegas, Nevada. It’s not a super gritty, dilapidated factory anymore – it’s a clean-cut room of torture with implements laid out and spaced beautifully. It doesn’t have anywhere near the atmosphere of grittiness that the Slovakia setting held, and it’s hard to take seriously.

It’s also hard to take the organization seriously. It’s the Elite Hunting Club, sure, but now it’s not just people who pay huge sums to torture people, it’s VEGAS, BABY!!!!!!!!!!! which means gambling. See, the victims are in a room with a giant glass window so the wealthy can watch them get tortured and killed, all while placing bets on how long it takes and also hoping to spin a Wheel of Misfortune.

If at this point you think this movie is a parody, I couldn’t blame you, but it’s not, God help our souls.

As for the deaths, there’s only one I sort of liked, in which a guy’s face was cut off. It didn’t look great, but it was at least brutal. Otherwise, we had a woman suffocated by cockroaches, a man who got his arm cut off (you could barely see anything, though), a guy shot via shotgun, a guy getting tased to death, a woman shot in the spine, a guy who was stabbed. There’s very little in the way of torture in this film, and though the first Hostel didn’t feature a ton of gore, it was so much better than this amateur hour.

Oh, it also did that thing I really, really, really love, where there’s some bloodshed, but the blood gets on the camera, because that’s so cool it’s like i;m actually there OMG BLOOD>>>>W>E>FW

In all seriousness, fuck that shit, brah.

The ending was terrible. There was a twist. The twist was illogical. I hated it. It sucked as much as the rest of the movie, though, so consistency, AMIRIGHT?????

As for performances, I did like seeing Kip Pardue (Sunshine from Remember the Titans, also in films such as The Wizard of Gore and Stag Night), though the character was pretty bad. It’s the same for most performances, such as the lead Brian Hallisay, and others, such as Chris Coy (Rogue River, The Culling, Deliver Us from Evil), John Hensley (Teeth, Campfire Stories), Skyler Stone, Thomas Kretschmann (2004’s Frankenstein, Dracula 3D, Discarnate, Rohtenburg, Open Grave, The Stendhal Syndrome), and Sarah Habel.

Well, to be fair, Habel’s character is okay, but at the same time, her character amounts to virtually nothing, so it doesn’t come to much.

I’ve seen Hostel: Part III once before, and I didn’t care for it then either (which I can’t imagine comes as a big shock). I wasn’t that hopeful seeing it again would lend any more pleasure, which was a good perspective, as this movie is just as poor as I remember. Pretty much an insult to the first two movies, this just isn’t a sequel I’d ever recommend. I’m sure some out there would have a fine time with it, but that’s deff not me.

4/10

Threads (1984)

Directed by Mick Jackson [Other horror films: Demons (2007)]

In a conventional sense, referring to this classic television movie as a horror film may not strictly be accurate. At the same time, there are few movies I’ve personally seen that feel quite as stark, bleak, and devastating as Threads does, so counting it as one seems rather fair to me.

To be sure, there have been plenty of films that touched on the horrors of nuclear weaponry, such as Godzilla and Genocide; the difference is that Threads takes a realistic approach to the idea, and instead of causing a monster to roam the countryside, we have widespread starvation, death, looting, radiation sickness, deformities, and atrocities committed by the military. This movie is not for the light-hearted, and with as much an impact it made on me, I can only imagine the impact it made back during the Cold War.

In a way, it’s hard to take a step back. The film feels like a documentary, with some somber narration by Paul Vaughan, slowly showing the audience the build-up to the bombs being dropped, and the horrific aftermath, not just days and weeks, but the widespread effects up to 13 years following the attacks (including a rise in leukemia and cataracts, due to the increased UV rays).

The despair is made all the worse because the characters the film focuses on, primarily a working class couple from Sheffield, have absolutely no way to prevent any of this; like most people on the planet, we live our lives and try to get by, and if a nuclear war should break out between multiple countries, we don’t have a say whatsoever, and so we’re doomed to starve to death (and that’s if we survive the initial blast and the fallout) as crops won’t grow and babies are born dead and deformed.

What’s interesting is that the stark nature present in this film doesn’t end with the final shot (a fantastic final shot, I should add); there’s two minutes of credits, but while the names are coming on the screen (including many scientists who helped with the authenticity, including Carl Sagan), there’s no music. It’s just silence during the credits, and I have to imagine that was done to give people some time to sit, think, and take in what they witnessed.

Aside from Paul Vaughan (the narrator), there’s not too many important cast members. Karen Meagher and Reece Dinsdale felt authentic in their roles, and Harry Beety, while it’s slightly more difficult to feel bad for him given his powers under the Emergency Powers Act, did quite well too. That said, none of the three are really what I’d call the focal point – it’s true we spend a lot of time with Meagher’s character, but the overall picture of a pre-bomb and post-bomb Sheffield is far more important than any individual person.

It’s also worth mentioning that while this film is close to two hours long, and the first bomb doesn’t fall until about 48 minutes in, it never feels dull. In fact, I was captivated through the build-up, what with the USSR and the USA’s conflicts pushing into Iran, tensions growing, all leading to the devastation we soon see. For someone who has long held an interest in politics, I was tuned in from the beginning, and as depressing as the movie was, I did find it rather worth watching.

That said, this is not always an easy movie to get through, especially once the bombs drop and the after-effects are fully realized. There’s plenty of rather disturbing imagery and scenes, such as an older woman who is embarrassed at having made a mess in her bed to a middle-aged woman holding the burned-out husk of what we could imagine was her child. People are shot for looting, locked in make-shift prisons, others are starved and count themselves lucky to be eating rat or possibly radiated sheep.

Threads is a stark and somber film of what nuclear weapons could lead to. Many extras involved in this film were also involved in the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament, and I’ve long thought it wise to remove these types of weapons from the possible arsenal of any country. After watching a movie like this, no matter how alarmist it might seem to some, I find it difficult to believe many would walk away with a different take on the viability of a weapon that could cause effects even half as atrocious as shown here.

Again, this isn’t a conventional horror film, but I definitely think it counts; it’s more than that too, though, and as disturbing as the film is, I think it’s definitely one of the highlights of the 1980’s. I may not want to watch it again any time soon, and it may not be that enjoyable an experience, but I can’t deny it was a solidly-made film and certainly eye-opening insofar as the horrors of nuclear warfare are concerned.

8/10

Steel and Lace (1990)

Directed by Ernest Farino [Other horror films: N/A]

Steel and Lace isn’t a movie I’d heard too much about before watching. In fact, while I had known of the movie in a vague sense, I think it’d be fair to say that I couldn’t have said a single thing if asked what it was about. All of this is to say that I went into this one pretty blind, and I have to admit that while I liked some of the ideas here, along with the effects, I’m not sure the execution was to my liking.

It’s a bit of a twist on the rape/revenge style of exploitation that was somewhat common in the 1970’s into the 80’s, with such films as I Spit on Your Grave, The Last House on the Left, Savage Streets, Demented, and Ms. 45 (two of those I don’t see as horror, being Savage Streets and Ms. 45). I don’t know of many of these types of films from the 1990’s, though, so that was one of my big points of interest when getting into this movie.

Combing both the tragedy of rape with some science fiction elements of artificial intelligence, Steel and Lace (certainly an apt title) is definitely an interesting, almost unique movie. I think it’s strengths lie in the strong cast, solid special effects, and genuinely fascinating idea. I think it’s held back, though, by the execution of some of these ideas, along with elements of the finale.

When it comes to the kills, most are good. I think the most striking is perhaps an individual being lifted up into some helicopter blades, and while the injury (i.e. death) looks weak, the idea has feeling. There was also a good decapitation and another fellow got lit on fire via lightning bolt. The weakest kill here, I think, would be either an individual being sucked of his lifeforce (or whatever – I couldn’t tell exactly how that character actually died) or someone getting #drilled. Not that the latter kill couldn’t have been good, but I don’t think they had the special effects to back it up.

Another area which I think warrants a positive mention is the cast, most of whom are strong. The primary protagonists, David Naughton (An American Werewolf in London, Mirror Mirror 3: The Voyeur, Amityville: A New Generation, The Sleeping Car) and Stacy Haiduk (Luther the Geek, Attack of the Sabretooth), work well together, and I thought Haiduk did rather stellar. Clare Wren and Nick Tate had strong moments also.

Of the group of men who stood together to protect a rapist (that’s how rich, white men do), those being Michael Cerveris, Scott Burkholder, John J. York, Paul Lieber, and Brian Backer, only two stood out. Burkholder (House IV), York, and Lieber were okay, but Brian Backer (a surprising face to see, as he played Alfred in The Burning) and Michael Cerveris had more character. Lastly, Bruce Davison (Willard, X-Men, and Kingdom Hospital) was nice to see, though I wish his character went a different direction.

Which is sort of fair for the movie as a whole, I think. The ideas here were decent, and they mostly worked out, but toward the end, I did lose a bit of interest, as it dealt more with the emerging emotions of an android, which wasn’t a bad route to take, but I also didn’t care for how it was approached. Also, Davison’s character felt almost too villainous, especially given that the reasons he wanted revenge were completely legit.

More than anything, Steel and Lace is a bit of an oddity. It’s not really the type of film that I’d expect from the 1990’s, though it does sort of make sense when you consider other films from around the same time period, such as Hardware or Death Machine. Even so, while there’s some things in this movie to enjoy, I also think it’s fair to say there’s not really a ton of memorable material here. It’s far from a poor movie, but I do personally find it a bit below average.

6/10

Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge (1989)

Directed by Richard Friedman [Other horror films: Stephen King’s Golden Tales (1985, segment ‘The Old Soft Shoe’), Scared Stiff (1987), Doom Asylum (1987), DarkWolf (2003), Born (2007)]

Despite the somewhat silly title, I can say that Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge is a decent movie. It’s probably not great, but I’ve seen it twice now, and I do find it a rather fun film with a lot going for it.

The story here is about what you’d expect, being a modern-day (at least modern-day to the late 1980’s) adaptation of The Phantom of the Opera. There’s little here that’s likely to amaze anyone, but the mystery is decent, some characters and their motivations hidden well, and come the finale, we’re mostly satisfied with how everything has gone down.

Oh, and if you’re wondering why the mall in this movie may look familiar, it’s apparently also where Chopping Mall was filmed, so there’s another element of fun.

As far as performances go, the only one I didn’t really care for was Gregory Scott Cummins (Watchers III, Click: The Calendar Girl Killer, Hack-O-Lantern), and that’s more due to the nature of his character than to the actual performance.

Otherwise, the cast is pretty strong throughout the board.

Kari Whitman was never really in much, or at least much I’ve seen, but she made for a solid lead, not to mention sympathetic. Her friends, played by Kimber Sissons, Pauly Shore, and Rob Estes (Uninvited), were all decent – in fact, while Shore’s character was sort of the odd, goofy guy, he knew how to get serious. Derek Rydall (Popcorn, Night Visitor) was tragic, and knew how to do a spinning kick with the best of them.

Jonathan Goldsmith (Blood Voyage) was good as a scummy individual, Morgan Fairchild (American Horror House, The Initiation of Sarah) also good as a scummy individual, being the mayor of the town. Actually Fairchild and Goldsmith worked well together, and related, I was happy with where the movie took their characters. Other familiar faces include Ken Foree (Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, From Beyond, Dawn of the Dead) and Tom Fridley (Summer Camp Nightmare, Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI), along with a small cameo of Brinke Stevens (Blood Reaper, The Ritual, Spirits).

The kills here were never really gory – this isn’t Intruder, or anything so enjoyable. However, most of the kills were at least decent, from a decapitation and a snake in a toilet to someone being thrown out a window and impaled, not to mention someone meeting the business end of a flamethrower. There’s a lot of decent kills here, and it keeps you entertained.

Also quite nice is the fact that this movie moves at a great pace. It’s an hour and a half, but it doesn’t really feel it, and though I will say there was a small sense of dragging around the hour and ten minute mark, the finale was actually pretty solid and satisfactory.

Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge is a pretty enjoyable movie, albeit not really that special. If you’re into slashers, I can’t think of a good reason not to give this one a shot. It has a good classic feel, along with a power ballad titled ‘Heart of Darkness’ by Stan Bush that keeps popping up. Again, it may not be special, but I think it does a lot of what it was trying to do.

7.5/10

Scary Movie (2000)

Directed by Keenen Ivory Wayans [Other horror films: Scary Movie 2 (2001)]

I’ve never really been a fan of parody films, which ties into the fact that once the comedy in a movie is too goofy, my interest level dries up. Naturally, this doesn’t bode well for Scary Movie, because it’s really just way too goofy for me to enjoy whatsoever.

What’s interesting is that I recently revisited Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth, another post-Scream parody movie, and I had an okay time. I still rated it below average, yes, but there were some legitimately funny scenes and quotable quotes in that movie that I dug a lot.

I can’t say what’s different about the humor here, but Scary Movie wasn’t anywhere near as fun. There were some amusing ideas, and I’ll touch on them in a bit, but I had a lot more fun with Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth. For one, I don’t think SIYKWIDLFtT was quite as over-the-top as this, and perhaps more importantly, there’s not a whole ton of gross-out comedy in that film, while Scary Movie does have some present (which isn’t my type of humor at all).

To expand on that, there were jokes dealing with women characters having testicles (well, technically the character was a man, but people thought he was a woman, so whateves), wild pubic hair (which was done away with by electric garden shears), a blast of semen that plasters someone to the ceiling, and naturally, plenty of flatulence jokes, because that lowbrow humor works for some. It’s just not my type of comedy, and I don’t really like seeing it. Gross, sexual humor isn’t my type of thing.

Now, I can say that I enjoyed the ending of the film. No, not the horrible Matrix-inspired scenes, but the last couple of minutes. I’ve seen this movie before, but I actually forgot who the killer was (and in fact, wasn’t sure if this would even reveal who the killer was), so when it then copied the end of The Usual Suspects (which I’ve seen plenty of times, and actually watched a couple of weeks ago, at the time of this writing), I cracked up. That was pretty funny, and I didn’t see it coming.

Though it didn’t have much in the way of substance, I did enjoy some of the humor around Ray’s character (played by Shawn Wayans), who was a ‘closted’ gay guy, and related, while it didn’t add a hell of a lot to the movie, seeing Marlon Wayans cackle at everything was sort of amusing too. But when it comes to comedic high points, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth has this one beat, and it’s not even close.

Anna Faris is one of the few here I actually liked. Regina Hall’s character annoyed the hell out of me, Dave Sheridan’s (Camp Twilight, Bloody Summer Camp, Blood Craft) Doofy was way too stupid for me, and Lochlyn Munro (Freddy vs. Jason, The Blackburn Asylum) unable to stand out. In fact, most people here, from Shannon Elizabeth (Jack Frost, Thir13en Ghosts) and Jon Abrahams (House of Wax, They) to Cheri Oteri and Rick Ducommun, weren’t notable. Again, both Shawn Wayans and Marlon Wayans occasionally cracked me up, but neither added much, and Faris, while consistent, didn’t add a whole lot either.

Largely focusing on parodying Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer (though not afraid to reference other popular films, such as The Blair Witch Project, American Pie, The Matrix, and The Sixth Sense), the story was about what you’d expect. Now, again, I want to give props to the ending. Again, I have seen this movie before, but it’s been so damn long, I truly didn’t see that coming, which surprised me.

Even so, much of the humor of Scary Movie just didn’t do much for me. I didn’t really have that much fun here. For the right group of people, Scary Movie could work, but as for me? Yeah, I’ll stick with Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th.

4/10